Saturday, October 9, 2010

An Honest Attempt at Thankfulness

Tomorrow we will celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada.

The cranberry sauce, the cranberry salad, the pumpkin chiffon pie are all prepared.  I am looking forward to enjoying the day with Mike's family.

Thanksgiving, for me, always includes these yummy side dishes and all the staples; turkey, gravy, etc. but it's also a great time to take a second and reflect on what I'm thankful for.  

Honestly, these days I have not been feeling thankful.  I have been feeling like a martyr.  I am tired and cranky from having Cait in my bed pulling my hair all night.  I am defeated from being met with opposition at any instructions that I give to the oldest two.  I am irritable from listening to Caleb's SERIOUSLY way too loud voice ALWAYS talking or making unnecessary noise.  I am ashamed of the times I just nod and say "um hm" while Maddie is following me around talking my ear off.  I am frustrated with the enormous amount that needs to be done to keep the house going on a regular day; three meals, two snacks, 5 kitchen and table clean ups, poopy diaper changing, the more than one load a day of laundry, the putting away of the toys as Cait and Caleb take them out and leave them everywhere.  I am discouraged with how hard it is to homeschool so many children at different ages and I am desperate to just be alone, not to go to the grocery store, but to just sit and have my brain to myself, or to spend a few hours just being me, whoever that may be, with no strings attached.

So there's the truth.  The not-so-perfect side of Banmanland.  Ha!

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

My heart is not broken, I have no big tragedy to be dramatic about but sometimes life just gets hard. It is so good to have hope and something eternal, someone bigger to fall back on!  Pick me up Lord and set me back on my feet!!

"Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything.  Tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for all He has done" Philippians 4:6

This Thanksgiving I will be on my knees, asking for strength, for grace and for a renewed mind.  I have more than I ever thought I wanted and I am so thankful.  The whole thing kind of falls apart when the Mommy running the show starts to crumble.  I am so ready to turn this ship around and enjoy this life


Watters said...

love your honesty Colleen...never too late to come to Cali :)..honestly though....God gives us what we can handle...and although some of those days don't look like we can...deep in our heartt....he has given us what we need....and helps guide our hearts to get back on you get in that ship and sail....and you xo

Bev said...

Sweet daughter, I am on my knees with you...asking God for a new breath of energy, enthusiasm and encouragement for you. I hear your heart and I wish I could do something to spell you so that you could have those few minutes that you need once in a while to yourself. Every mother who reads this blog (including me) will identify with the intense feelings of overwhelm and discouragement that you are expressing. And no, it not crazy to one minute look at your beautiful family and feel overwhelmed with love and gratitude for what you have...and then the next minute to feel overwhelmed with the immensity of mothering, teaching, leading, laundering, loving, disciplining, coaching cleaning and cooking for such a tribe. Please know that high on my list of what I am thankful for is YOU! I love everything about you including your sensitive and honest spirit. Praying for you and even asking God if he could send a special , unexpected blessing of some kind tomorrow. Something that will make you smile and remember how much you are loved! I love you!

Grandpa Russ said...

Colleen -

I have read and re-read this post a dozen times, wondering how I could respond.

To say a response has been hard is a real understatement.

Thank goodness your mom stepped in and wrote those wonderful words of encouragement.

Mothers of daughters who are mothers have a unique empathy that fathers often simply don't understand.

I'm hoping that Mike will step in and give you some much-needed "alone" time so that you can recharge your "Mommy" batteries.

Thinking of you and praying for you. . .


Fairytale Pumpkin said...

Beautiful post, Colleen. What comes through loud and clear is your gratitude for a God who has blessed you with your beautiful, loud, messy, stubborn family, and also gives you everything you need in Christ to be the mother, teacher, comforter, chef, and maid. Amen!

The Hayes Family said...

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE you!! Your honesty and transparency is precious. Seriously, you have a FULL plate with lots and lots of little people that need you and ALL that comes with it. I love you lots and lots and am so rooting you on! Praise God that He refreshes our mommy souls and gives us the strength and wisdom to do it again the next day. Wish I could sit and have a good laugh and cry with you. Love you!! :)

Levecks said...

if you ever want a night away you can ALWAYS come up to my quiet house with no responsibility...
leave the kids with mikey one evening and come to relax!

Obwald Family said...

Oh Colleen, I hear you girl! I find the same back and forth of loving and excited about my family and all that comes with it then right to overwhelmed, wanting space and NO ONE to talk. It is such a blessing to be a wife and mother but also comes with a lot of responsibility and endless neediness. I pray today for our Amazing Lord to be your strength and joy and that something today will make you giggle. Will the laundry ever, and if it does that means you won't have as many special and unique little people in you house. We will all long for loads of laundry when our kids are grown and out of the house cause laundry will mean that they are home :) LOVE YOU!

Holly said...

That was BEAUTIFULLY written Colleen! So honest and true. Being a mom is SO hard. Everyday I have my struggles, but this reflection and what you choose to learn and take from all of those mommy moments is what's important.

None of us are perfect, but thankfully we serve such a loving and merciful God who understands us better than anyone else! Love the photo too, beautiful and serene, looking for that quiet moment/place myself ;) Ha! Praying for you friend :)