I snapped this picture of Mikayla a few weeks ago. I take 100's of pictures all the time, lots are cute, lots get deleted and sometimes a photograph just does something to me. When I saw this one on my computer once it was uploaded, I was struck with a typhoon of emotions. I guess the overwhelming feeling was "How did we get here? When did she grow up?"
So much to say about this sweet girl of mine. She grabs my purse and the diaper bag and the baby from the house and gets them in the van while I am getting ready, she dresses the baby, she changes poopy diapers (for a small fee but I don't mind), she reads to the kids with expression, she teaches Maddie her lessons, she starts at least two loads of laundry a day, she reads for fun every minute she is allowed, she is graceful and smart and good at everything she tries.
I feel badly that she had to be first in line. Us firstborns come wound pretty tightly and thinking everything should sort of happen our way. I am so thankful to have her as my number one daughter/helper/test kid for everything because she is strong but I feel guilty about the strain that puts on our relationship.
How did we get here?
I never thought I would be "that mom" that was bossy or annoying or had unreasonable expectations or said "no" ALL THE TIME or didn't have time to listen or, the worst one of all, didn't understand how she was feeling.
But here we are, I can no longer relate to 10 year old issues and apparently I frequently communicate in a way that earns a severe scowl and a pout or an over emphasized eye roll as a response.
This year I am praying for extra grace to meet my little girl where she is and to be able to handle her concerns and issues in a loving way that does not judge or demean.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
I still remember the night she was born! Mikayla was also my first roommate when we lived in Jim's houses. What a precious and special girl God gave you. So thankful that HE gave her to you and Mike and as the first born! No one else could fill her shoes. LOVE YOU Mikayla Grace!
ReplyDeleteI almost cried reading this, I too remember waiting for her to arrive this side of heaven. What a special young lady you have and we are all blessed to have her as your first. We get to observe you from afar and learn and grown too. :)
ReplyDeleteVery heartfelt comments, Colleen.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure Mikayla will appreciate your thoughts.
I'm going to give her an extra hug when I see you all in a couple weeks.
Love,
Dad/Grandpa
I am a little late in seeing this post but I am right there with Erin...I felt very emotional reading your blog. She is an incredible young lady...whatever tensions that exist at times I do see how much she looks up to you and wants your approval. No matter how much she fights it...everything she is doing is mimicking what she sees you doing every day.
ReplyDeleteOh and how could we forget the night she was born...I almost walked in on you giving birth.
Colleen, thank you for this. You have no idea how much reading your words meant to me. I sobbed. I can relate so much to what you said, and it is so true. His grace is sufficient, and his power being made perfect in our weakness is a mighty thing to be grasped... so amazing! May God be glorified through us- even in our weakness. Thank you for being so transparent! You have no idea how much that meant! Your an incredible wife, mother and woman of grace- Inspiring in so many ways!
ReplyDelete